Personal statement for a study abroad app. Need your advice please! Hong Kong!?

You need a better attention grabber. Start out with something that more clearly illustrates your pion for China. Tell it like a story. Also, add in more specifics. For instance, in paragraph 2 you talk about the process of learning. Is there a time when you learned something in a different way and you realized the importance of such learning? Add is examples from your life. I would also delete the topic sentence in paragraph 3 because it is really vague.